Road To Alexandria
by Save Fearow
Summary: What they really wanted was a summer vacation. What they got was 3 monsters, stranded in the Egyptian desert.


Road To Alexandria

An Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic

by Save Fearow

Author's Note: For the longest time, I've wanted to a fic explaining a minor background gag (there's a poster in the Academy dorm showing Ickis, Krumm, and Oblina riding a camel through Egypt that predates the pilot episode, necessitating that this story be set in summer of 1993.) Inspired by the tradition of Bing Crosby's Road movies, this also gave me the opportunity to work in another original song, "I Wouldn't Have You (Any Other Way)", sheet music to which I hope to upload on deviantart sometime soon. Forgive the more sporadic entries in fanfic, February is a difficult month in our family as Reuben prepares for doctor's visits and renewed medical treatment for his shattered kneecap.

"1 year down and 39 to go, then we'll all be professional scarers." Oblina noted. "Well, most of us will." she amended.

"Don't worry Oblina. I'm sure you'll graduate in spite of your bossiness, perfectionism, an' utter lack of humor." Ickis quipped.

"This from the boy who can't even scare a single animal?" scoffed Oblina.

"So not fair! The Gromble set me up by assigning bunny rabbits!" Ickis protested.

"How far -did- they follow you again?" she giggled.

"From Juniper Valley to Elmhurst Park. About 20 blocks, plus a section of highway." recalled Ickis.

"Which did you lead them there?" Krumm asked.

"I didn't want to leave someplace where they wouldn't be happy." Ickis admitted.

"Oh, Icky..." Oblina favored him with a smile. "Sometimes you are really quite tender-hearted."

"Yeah, the Gromble claims he's gonna beat that out of me through Snorching." Ickis acknowledged, as he slammed his suitcase shut. "But I can't get punished now, it's our summer break! I'm going to Louisiana with Dad! You can come too, Oblina. 'Baton Rouge' even means 'Red Stick'. What does that suggest to you?" he offered.

"That you should never have learned French." Oblina opined.

"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce sois?" Ickis inquired.

"That had -better- not mean what I think it means!" she snapped.

"I'm going back to my Dad's mold farm." Krumm stated. "That never gets old."

"Well, I am off to London. This is the first year that Buckingham Palace will be open to tourists! Just think of all the scaring opportunities for an enterprising young monster!" Oblina envisioned.

"You can't scare all'a those humans by yourself." Ickis pointed out.

"At least I would give it my best effort! You'll probly just stand on the sidelines and let your father do everything for you." sneered Oblina.

"No way! This is my chance to prove it to Dad, I can be just as good as he is! Then he'll have no choice but to pay more attention to me! Who's the loser now, ha ha!" Ickis retorted.

Oblina stared at him. "That's quite the... unusual relationship you and your father are developing. Equal parts antagonism and fantastic devotion, I've never seen that before." she mused.

"I'm gonna be the best groupie ever, just you watch!" Ickis vowed. "So what if Dad keeps telling me not to brag? Didn't stop -him- from accepting another trophy for the rack! 'I'd like to thank the Academy, blah blah blah!' I'm not even -in- the blah blah blahs, but I'll fix THAT soon enough!"

"We don't have anything complicated like that going on, I'm just friends with my Dad." Krumm mentioned.

"My parents aren't accompanying me. I am perfectly capable of making it to La Guardia on my own." Oblina asserted.

"You're going to the airport? Guess you'd have to, Dad always told me it wasn't safe crossing international waters via sewer." Ickis noted.

"Of course, I know ALL about that. I'm a very experienced traveler." Oblina proclaimed.

"Me too! I used to -live- in my suitcase!" declared Ickis.

Oblina laughed. "I'm sure. Toodle-oo!" She picked up her luggage, waved farewall, and exited the dorm. Krumm followed behind her.

Ickis looked crestfallen as he watched them go. "But I really DID live there, while Dad went scaring around the globe, trying to build back our toenail savings." Ickis insisted quietly. He picked up his suitcase, turned off the light, and left the dorm, trailing after his friends.

"I told you, I don't need you boys escorting me!" Oblina yelled.

"I was just... just following Krumm!" Ickis claimed.

"I'm following Oblina. I like the snacks they have at the airport, especially the barf bags." Krumm acknowledged.

Oblina sighed. "Thanks to your delays, I'm behind schedule! I knew I should've taken the bus." Oblina groused.

"Bus already left." Ickis explained. "But we could probly hitch a ride in some other vehicle."

"There's a van over there, with a human leaving it. We could jump in and wait for him to come back." Krumm pointed to a man in a blue uniform, carrying a satchel full of mail.

Oblina ran towards the parked vehicle. "Help me get my luggage inside!" she instructed.

"Thought you didn't -need- our help." Ickis reminded her.

"You don't -need- to be punched in the nose, but that might happen anyway!" snarled Oblina.

"I'll take my chances. I don't think you have it in you to do that." Ickis decided. He grabbed a corner of her luggage and shoved in through the open window. Oblina then held out her paw and Ickis reached across to pass her his own suitcase. He hopped inside afterward and finally they both lifted Krumm into the mail truck.

"Awesome! Look at all the free food!" Krumm commented as he grabbed a handful of letters and postcards.

"Krumm! We need those for camoflauge!" scolded Oblina.  
"I -hate- camoflauge." Ickis muttered.

"Why would you say a thing like that, seemingly out of the blue?" Oblina wondered.  
"No reason! Just like there is no reason for you to -ever- accompany me to the infirmary, no no no. Staying in bed is bo-ring, but I guess if the alternative is looking gweebie in front'a everybody I would, er, what were talking about again? Portez-nous à l'aéroport, si vous plait!" he bluffed frantically.

"Stop showing off." hissed Oblina.

"Those were mostly cognates. Je le fais seulement pour impressionner des filles. Êtes-vous satisfait?" Ickis professed.

"No. That's the same in both languages." Oblina told him.

"Je suis triste." Ickis remarked as his ears drooped.

They could all hear the human's footsteps approaching. "Hurry, get inside this box! It's the biggest!" Oblina ordered. Krumm and Oblina clambered inside quickly. Ickis lugged the bags inside first, then jumped in. Working together, they shut the box up tightly as the mailman turned the key in the ignition. He took a sharp turn to the left after pulling out, and the box slid into the side of the truck, knocking all 3 monsters unconscious.

Krumm was the first to awaken. "Um, guys? I don't think this is La Guardia." he announced as he scanned the area near their outpost. Everywhere he looked, they were surrounded by sand dunes. Far in the distance he could see pillars, an abandoned stadium, and a lighthouse. He tried to nudge Oblina and Ickis awake, but to no avail. Krumm watched a beetle scurry across the desert landscape. Knowing Oblina, she would be -furious- upon waking up and demand that Krumm, as the appointed navigator tell her exactly where they were. Ickis would probly just panic, running around in circles, wailing about the unfairness of dying before he heard the Gromble give the first lesson on monster reproduction. He sighed, climbed out of the box postmarked 'Qarah, Egypt' and trudged after the beetle. Even if he didn't get his bearings, he would find something to snack on soon enough.

By the time Oblina awoke, Krumm was already out of sight. She gasped. "Ickis! ICKIS, wake up! Krummy is gone and we are in the middle of nowhere and I am never getting to London now and it is all thanks to you so wake up and defend yourself because it is all YOUR fault!" Oblina hollered.

Ickis yawned. "Why's it my fault? You wanted a ride, we got one." Ickis pointed out. "And this isn't nowhere. This is Egypt. Despite being in Africa, most monsters view it as part of the Middle East, along with many Asiatic nations. Would've figured a big jet-setter like you could tell right away."

"I know where Egypt is! What I don't know is what we are doing here!" Oblina snapped.

"Running for our lives." Ickis suggested, as he lifted his suitcase.

"Why would we need to do that?" Oblina demanded.

"Because we want to get away from the snakes. I can hear them coming now. Better grab your stuff." Ickis told her. Sure enough, several snakes were winding their way across the dunes.

"Snakes? Why did it have to be snakes?" groaned Oblina as the reptiles slithered towards them. She clenched the luggage tightly in her fists.

"They're cold-blooded creatures, so they're attracted to the warm, sandy environment." Ickis supplied. "They'll go to sleep before the sun sets, cause that's when the temperature drops."

"Why do you NOT have any answers during class, but now you sound like you swallowed the Encyclopedia Monstronica?" Oblina questioned.

"I like the entries on pets." Ickis stated. "There was even a rumor that says snakes can be charmed by music."

"I've had a few Anthraxichord lessons. I'm... still making progress, but it's too heavy to carry outside of the mansion." Oblina admitted.

"Wish I had an instrument." Ickis pouted. "But we could still sing something! Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do, it's easy!"

"I'm not doing that!" Oblina stubbornly refused.

"If you'd rather the snakes get to you, fine. That big one seems awfully interested... I think somebody's got a squish on you." Ickis noted. Under his breath he added, "Hate to break it you, but she is one standoffish squiggler."

"ICKIS! If it will keep you from making any more idiotic asides, I'll go along with the musical idea!" Oblina relented.

"Terrific! I'll count you in, an' you just sing the first lyrics that come to mind!" Ickis instructed as he snapped his claws rhymically.

"You're whiny, you're little

More highstrung than a fiddle

And if there is trouble

You'll be in the middle!" Oblina pronounced.

"Lies! Plausible lies!" Ickis contested.

"I wouldn't have you

No I would not

What have you got?

There's nothing more to say

Except- I wouldn't have you... any other way." she added.

"You're bossy, you're nagging

Your lips are always wagging

And when I'm the hero

You're the one whose bragging!" Ickis countered.

"Why! You're jealous, why!" declared Oblina.

"I wouldn't have you

No I would not

What have you got?

There's nothing more to say

Except- I wouldn't have you... any other way." Ickis concluded. They backed away slowly, putting more distance between themselves and the snakes.

"Your ineptitude is showing." Oblina remarked.

"Your compassion's overflowing." Ickis noted sarcastically.

"That's not a fact worth knowing- ow!" Oblina cried out, tripping as she scrambled her way backwards.

"Would you look where you're going- now?" Ickis inquired, as he held out his paw to her. She slapped it away angrily.

"Quiet please, I don't need

A bonsty whose ev'ry deed

Is designed to fulfill

Appetites he can't feed." she sneered.

"So! You think it's so!" Ickis groused.

"I wouldn't have you

No I would not

What have you got?

There's nothing more to say

Except- I wouldn't have you... any other way." she acknowledged.

"You shouldn't be on guard

You've kept your heart way too hard

If anyone gets in

Perfection isn't marred." Ickis advised her.

"No? You tell me no?" Oblina marveled.

"I wouldn't have you

No I would not

What have you got?

There's nothing more to say

Except- I wouldn't have you... any other way." he offered. The snakes were starting to relax, but Oblina still had her misgivings.

"We'll never get out of this mess." Oblina moaned.

"Is now a good time to confess?" Ickis inquired.

"Not when we're under duress- you!" she scolded.

"What about after the res- cue?" asked Ickis.

"I wouldn't have you!" they chorused.

"No I would not!" stressed Oblina.

"What have you got?" Ickis argued.

"I've got my life at stake." she qualified.

"Don't I deserve a take?" Ickis begged.

"There's nothing more to say." they reiterated.

"We're through." Oblina insisted.

"You've told me ev'ry day." they recognized.

"It's true." Ickis confided.

"I wouldn't have you... any other way!" they admitted. All the snakes were lounging, looking perfectly placid. Ickis and Oblina tiptoed together across the sands. Finally, the excitement proved too much for Ickis.

"That was amazing! We should start a glee club!" he squealed.

"First rule of glee club, you don't talk about glee club." Oblina informed him.

"But how will we plan our next recital?" Ickis wondered. Oblina stomped ahead in disgust, forcing Ickis to match her strides.

Krumm tried to step quickly across the desert. As best as he could gather, most of the civilizations were located to their east. A few palm groves dotted the area, but Krumm knew better than to snack on anything that came from a tree. The river bed -seemed- dry but it was hard to tell given the prevailing wind. He hadn't seen any other monsters, just a strange kind of sheep. That alone suggested to him that there had to be humans somewhere near by. If there were humans, then there was probly a toilet somewhere, and that might help them get to safety. He wasn't too concerned with what Ickis and Oblina thought about traveling that way, he'd never had troubles navigating the sewers. And honestly, Ickis and Oblina would find something to complain about no matter what he did. Krumm almost felt sorry for leaving those 2 alone together, but how often was he going to get this level of peace and solitude? It had taken months to get used to rooming with them. All year, Oblina had clung to the belief that weekly quizzes on the Monster Manual would help the boys improve their grades. Ickis didn't have any interest in late-night study sessions, but he DID have a habit of talking in his sleep. Although Ultra Monster sounded kind of intriguing, the vast majority of Ickis' nocturnal ramblings were almost frightening (certainly more terrifying than anything he'd seen Ickis do in class.) Monsters tended to smother, or get crushed, or otherwise disappear during Ickis' nightmare, unless you allowed him to squeeze that sponge. He called it Shnookie, it looked more like a Bob to Krumm, but when he thoughtfully pointed that out, Ickis acted like he wanted to bite Krumm's head off for slandering Shnookie's character. At least the Shnookie-fied dreams were easier to listen to, they just involved awards ceremonies for wave-riding with squishy girls, and the Gromble giving out quiz grades that corresponded with a young monster's Sewerball average. Apparently, Ickis' grades would become 2.3 times that of Oblina's the instant that system was implemented. Oblina's response had been to throw a pillow at Ickis' head.

Yes, there were times when Krumm wished his friends were there to offer their unusual brand of support. Like right now, when his feet were mired in quicksand.

"Another fine mess you've gotten us into." Oblina bemoaned. "I'll never reach London at this rate!"

"So you miss the Queen of England, big whoop! Some of us are missing alot more! My Dad works for a living, do you have any idea how rare it is for him to take time off? Worst part of it is, he's doing it for ME. Tuition to the Academy is not cheap, Oblina. 1000 toenails a year, an' they only give 1 scholarship per class, which Krumm's already got!" Ickis responded.

"Krummy got the scholarship? Good for him! With his stench, he has a great deal of potential. I wonder why the schoolboard gave it to him, they're not usually -quite- so proactive." she mused.

"My Dad sits in on some of those meetings. He mighta told them to give it to Mister Horvak's son." Ickis revealed.

"Your father suggested that? How come?" Oblina wondered.

"Maybe he thought Krumm deserved it, or maybe he didn't think I'd get in. You guys both had your 111th birthdays during the school year, I'm only 108." Ickis admitted. He saw the way Oblina's eyes widened and hurried on. "Don't look so shocked! The Monster Manual declared 110 the -optimum- age for starting at the Academy, but they'll still accept any monster over 100 who passes a profiency test!"

"And you managed that?" questioned Oblina.

"I must've done -something- right cause I'm here, aren't I?!" snapped Ickis. He scowled. "But maybe Dad influenced THAT too, it wouldn't surprise me. I -did- loom for the Gromble, even if I didn't hold it for the entire minute, an' I only grew a couple feet, it still counts!"

"You probly did get in on your own merits." Oblina tried to be soothing. "What about Krummy, though?"

If anything, Ickis looked more uncomfortable. "Maybe Dad thought he owed it to Mister Horvak." he mumbled. "Penicillin's just another form of mold, so maybe if he couldn't affo- couldn't find a doctor, he mighta took his bonsty to a friend's house over the weekend, a really long time ago. Not saying that's why, just that it -could- happen. Even when it takes awhile, Dad always repays his debts."

"That's a very admirable characteristic in Slickis. The biography should mention that aspect more often." declared Oblina.

Ickis huffed angrily. "That biography doesn't mention half the things Dad's done! The publisher really rushed the deadline, so all'a best parts are cut out. Dad's always talking about doing an updated version sometime but he hasn't got around to it yet. Probly never will." Ickis whined.

"I like MY edition. I've read it twice this year. Mumsy doesn't recall ordering it, only that it arrived at our house one day, addressed to me. The dedication says that I'm a very good bonsty-sitter." Oblina noted smugly.

"Are you a good bonsty-sitter?" asked Ickis.

"The book says I am." Oblina reiterated. Sensing that Ickis might argue the point, she returned to her previous lament. "We'll never get any further than we already are if we just keep reminscing about the past! We have to find Krumm and get out of this forsaken country!"

"I've been listening for him. It's not hard, there's less interference out here. Back in New York, I sometimes pick up radio signals." he confessed.

"Radio signals?" echoed Oblina.

"Yeah, it was bothersome at first, but human music really gets to you after awhile! You should try it sometime, maybe then you wouldn'ta hit a B flat instead of a B natural." Ickis opined.

"There is -nothing- natural about being around YOU!" Oblina retorted.

"Why don'tcha tell that to Krumm after you've saved his life? He's down there in the quicksand. After you can get him out, I'm sure you guys'll have a blast complaining about your unnatural pal, Ickis." he remarked flippantly.

"Krumm's in danger! Icky, you have to help me rescue him!" insisted Oblina.

Ickis shook his head. "Sorry. It's too heavy to carry the suitcase over there, it might sink there as well." Ickis objected.

"Lazy bunny!" she berated Ickis. "Only a selfish little twit would care more for his possessions than he would his own friend!"

"I'll watch your stuff too." Ickis offered.

"Big whoop!" Oblina flung the luggage at him in frustration. "I'm coming, Krumm! Don't worry!" she hollered.

Krumm looked around wildly. "Oblina!" he gasped, as he continued to flail about in the quicksand.

Oblina stepped lightly, getting as close as she dared to Krumm. She wrapped part of her body around a small plant, then stretched towards Krumm. "This would be easier if somebody would lend a paw." Oblina griped.

"Is that the same paw you smacked aside earlier? And the same selfish little twit you don't want helping?" Ickis inquired. "I -told- you where he was, an' I'm guarding all the luggage, what more do you want me to do, stop Krumm from disappearing?!"

"Like that would ever happen!" Oblina snapped. She learned forward another inch, and snagged a hold of Krumm's hand. She struggled fiercely for several minutes, but finally pulled him to safety.

"Thanks Oblina!" Krumm cheered.

"Yes, well, some of us were sympathetic to your plight. The others are just pathetic." Oblina testily stated.

"If I didn't think you could handle it, I woulda stepped in, just like I did with the snakes." Ickis argued.

"What snakes?" wondered Krumm.

"Go swallow some spores, you ingrate!" Oblina hollered.

Ickis frowned. "Just for that, I won't teach you how to make your voice carry more by singing from your diaphragm!" he hollered.

Oblina rolled her eyes. "How will I ever live with myself if I can't be as loud as a howler monkey?" she wondered.

"Ickis isn't a monkey, he's a monster. He just looks a little like a bunny rabbit." Krumm clarified.

Ickis glared at them both. "Sometimes I think friendship is an over-valued commodity." he grumbled.

"Ugh, it's boiling out here." Oblina complained.

"That's why summer is the best time to visit Egypt. It only really gets cold at night." Ickis replied.

"Krumm, did you hear an annoying buzz? Because I certainly didn't." Oblina dismissed Ickis' observation entirely.

"I heard Ickis talk. I'd describe his voice as more piercing than buzzing, though." professed Krumm.

"Too bad you're ignoring me since I happen to know that there are underground ruins in Egypt where you can cool off, if you're actually bothered by the warmth." Ickis proclaimed.

Oblina paused. "Really? And if I were listening to you, would you tell me where these ruins were?" she asked.

"Some of the closest are around Alexandria. That's just a little further east. They also got an International Airport there now, just in case you wanted to know that." announced Ickis. "Dad an' I came here when they opened that stadium, not the ruined one, the one where you can go wave-riding in certain sections. An' then we went swimming in the harbor, an' after we rode in the tram where I threw up on him twice." Ickis lowered his gaze. "It was the last business trip I took with Dad for awhile, since I was almost 50, that's big enough to be alone most days."

"50 is not terribly old." Oblina interjected.

"It is when you're slowing down the Great Slickis!" Ickis hollered. "Doesn't matter whether he said it, or some official said it, if Dad followed their advice it's almost the same as thinking of it himself. But I've done jus' fine! Nobody's robbed our home on my watch, if I got locked out I always broke in with my claws, even fixed the door afterwards, an' I have -never- looked back! I make my own way, an' if my way takes me through some tunnels then so be it. Come if you want, stay if you don't, I wouldn't lose sleep over either one!"

"Somehow this stopped being a conversation about us escaping the heat." Krumm observed while Ickis ran ahead.

"Come on. We'd better follow him before he gets burned." Oblina suggested.

"I think the fur protects him from that. He told me once that it provides decent UV protection, but it's not thick enough to be good at insulation." recalled Krumm.

Oblina rolled her eyes. "I don't care how good a bonsty-sitter I am, some days it's just not worth it dealing with boys." she muttered.

They followed Ickis into the underground chamber. "Icky, slow down. You may have been to Egypt before, but you haven't been through this section! You don't know what you're getting into!" she argued.

"What's to know? It's a lonely place for lonely monsters. Just us an' that creepy older monster prowling along in the shadows." Ickis commented.

"You saw through my great stealth?" the monster asked in astonishment.

"It's shadow-sneaking. Not as good as camoflauge for blending in, since you gotta be aware of how much and how little light is reflected. Also, you breathe through your mouth, not your nose, which is generally louder." criticized Ickis.

The monster scowled at him as he stood up straighter. He was at least 7 feet tall, with large ears, pointed muzzle, sharp claws, swinging tail, and arched feet. "I am the incredible Inabus. Do you know why they call me that?" he hissed.

"Because it's your name?" guessed Krumm.

"Because I nab us all trespassers." Inabus screeched as he swung his tail around, pinning the 3 monsters to the wall. "And I don't let them go unless they answer my question!"

"Is it a written or an oral exam? Sometimes that makes all the difference." Ickis professed.

"Oral! I live in the ruins of an antiquated city, I'm not exactly stocking up on papyrus!" Inabus snapped. "Now then, if I place one flea on the first square of a chessboard, then double that amount on each successive square how many fleas will I have by the end?"

"Enough for the whole class." Krumm decided.

"The problem is exponential in nature obviously, but I couldn't solve that without writing it down." Oblina admitted.

"Lessee, isolate the variable. 2s - s = -2^0 + 2^64. Subtract that. 2^64 -1 = 18,446,744,073,709,551,615 fleas. Wow that's going beyond a flea circus, you'd have a troupe that could entertain all of monsterdom. An' then you could eat them when you got bored, like Krumm figured."

Everyone stared at him. "You have no idea how unusual that just was, do you?" questioned Oblina.

"I was only reducing it to lowest terms, that's all." Ickis stated.

"Such an intelligent boy! You would be perfect to assist me in conquering Egypt!" offered Inabus.

"Ickis can barely conquer his fear of magicians." Oblina opined. "He's not staying with you."

"Why not? It's selfish, and it's a little twit-ish, should be perfect for me." countered Ickis.

"Only when you choose to be! Ickis, you know that you're capable of more than that. Think of what your father, the Great Slickis, would say if he heard you bargaining with a mad monster!" Oblina reminded him.

"Father? I'm all the father you need. We can destroy the old beast. I have foreseen this, it is your destiny. Together we can rule Egypt, as Pharoah and son." Inabus declared.

Ickis shook his head. "That's not true, that's impossible! I spent all year trying to do something to -impress- Dad. I think he kinda has to be ALIVE for that to pay off." he insisted.

"But I'm so lonesome out here!" Inabus whined.

"Have you tried a personal ad? If your jaw's not up to talking, let your claws do the walking!" suggested Ickis.

"Never!" Inabus howled.

"Too bad, my jaws work jus' fine." Ickis announced as he bit into Inabus' tail.

"Yowch!" Inabus shrieked as he slapped his tail around wildly. Oblina and Krumm slipped free. Ickis sunk his fangs in deeper and clung on desperately. Inabus slapped his tail hard against the wall and Ickis crumpled to the floor, stunned.

"Hey! Leave him alone!" Oblina yelled as she pulled out her guts.

Inabus laughed. "I'm a monster. You think I'd be scared by THAT?" he jeered.

Oblina swallowed her guts again. "No, that was just to distract you." she commented as Krumm snuck up behind Inabus and smacked him with Ickis' suitcase. Inabus fell over immediately.

"Hey buddy. Feel like escaping from here?" Krumm asked Ickis' unconscious form. "Lie still if you want Oblina to carry you." he offered.

"Oh yes, because I had nothing better to do than lug bunny boy cross country." Oblina groused as she tucked her luggage under her left arm, and dragged Ickis along with her right.

"That's enough ugly sleep, Icky." Oblina informed him as they exited the tunnels. "We're outside now, and we've finally reached civilization."

Ickis blinked and adjusted his glasses. "It's the outdoor market, Zinqat-at-Sittat." he announced.

"Perfect. I'll just pay them some toenails, and we'll buy passage to the nearest tram, or whatever it is they use to get to the airport." Oblina planned.

"Doesn't work that way. Gotta trade for what you want here." Ickis informed her.

"Yes, I trade them my toenails, they trade a ride into town." Oblina persisted.

"I'll see what I can do. I know how to talk shop." Krumm claimed.

"Ooh, I see something we could use!" Ickis sauntered over to a vendor. "What's the current exchange rates for songs?" he asked.

"One song, one item." the vendor agreed. "Deal?" They shook paws.

"All the old paintings on the tomb

They do the sand dance, don'tcha know?

If they move too quick, oh way oh

They're falling down like a domino.

All the bazaar men by the Nile

They got the money on a bet.

Called crocodiles oh way oh they snap their teeth on your cigarette.

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say way oh way oh way oh way oh

Walk like an Egyptian." Ickis sang as he shimmied sideways, dancing to the beat.

"What do you mean, my toenails are no good here?" hollered Oblina. "I demand satisfaction!"

"The blonde waitresses take their trays

They spin around and they cross the floor

They've got the moves oh way oh

You drop your drink then they bring you more.

All the schoolkids so sick of books,

They like the punk and the metal band.

When the buzzer rings oh way oh

They're walking like an Egyptian.

All the kids in the marketplace say way oh way oh way oh way oh

Walk like an Egyptian." Ickis announced proudly, as he glided along the street, whistling.

"Look! They still have the crud on them!" whined Oblina, waving her bag of toenails irritably.

"Slide feet, hit the street, bend your back, shift your arm, then you pull it back.

Life's hard you know, oh way oh so strike a pose on a Cadillac.

If you want to find all the cops they're hanging out in the donut shop.

They sing and dance oh way oh

They spin the club, cruise down the block.

All the Japanese with their yen

The party boys call the Kremlin.

And the Chinese know oh way oh

They walk the line like Egyptian.

All the cops in the donut shop say way oh way oh way oh way oh

Walk like an Egyptian. Walk like an Egyptian." Ickis declared, as he scuttled his way back-and-forth.

"You're just being difficult on purpose!" roared Oblina.

The vendor clapped. "Very good. The transaction is complete." he stated.

Ickis held out his paws eagerly and recieved his purchase. "I got it, Oblina, no problem!" Ickis assured her.

"You got us a way to get out of here?" Oblina asked anxiously.

"Nope, but I did get this warm blanket. The desert is cold at night." he reminded Oblina.

"Idiot! Buffoon! You have wasted our best chance to leave Egypt!" she yelled.

"It's one per trade, not one per monster. Isn't it?" Ickis questioned. Upon seeing the vendor shake his head, Ickis' face fell. "Whoops. But at least we'll be sleeping in style." he pointed out.

"Next time I'm leaving you behind." Oblina vowed.

"That's a shame, because I just got us a camel big enough for everyone to ride." Krumm greeted his friends happily. "Hey guys, meet Spitty, he's our transport."

"Krummy! You amazing monster, you!" Oblina gushed. "Thanks ever so!"  
"Yeah, thanks alot Krumm." Ickis muttered. "Way to raise her expectations."

"It was nothing. I just pointed out how many violations his booth had, and he figured it was easier to give me the camel as a bribe, than let me contact the Better Bazaar Bureau. Markets are the same wherever you go, and we all got standards to conform to." asserted Krumm.

"Well I for one think Spitty's terrific. Just terrif-" Oblina began to praise the camel, only to have it spit in her face.

"That means he likes you." Krumm insisted.

Ickis sighed. "There's competition everywhere." he noted ruefully, as the trio climbed on top of the surly animal.

Oblina breathed a sigh of relief as they disembarked in front of the airport. "It's late, but we should still be able to get a flight if we hurry." she determined.

Ickis had his blanket draped around like a poncho. "Yeah, the sun's already set. Thanks Spitty for rushing us over here." Ickis acknowledged. "Jus' try not to date outside your own species, okay?"

"Ickis, move it!" hissed Oblina.

"Be a good boy, Spitty and go back to the bazaar. There'll be other monsters who'll have need of your services." Krumm promised.

Oblina raced over to the counter, and purchased 3 tickets. "We're riding in cargo of course, and it's not a private jet. That was the best I could do under short notice. The final flight to New York leaves at 7:30, so we need to board soon." she informed them.

Krumm glanced at the clock. "Looks like we're too late. It's after 19:00. Or is that the date?" he mused.

"It's military time. Means it's really 7:27, like the Boeing aircraft." Ickis assured him. "Granpa was in the Army."

"And you can boast all about that later, after the take-off. Come on!" Oblina led the boys to the terminal gate.

"I'm not a bonsty! You don't have to hold my paw every... wait, you're holding my paw! Nevermind!" Ickis chirped. The monsters scrambled into their seats, hauling their baggage along behind them.

"It's so cramped." Oblina sighed. "I don't know how I'll ever get comfortable enough to sleep."

"You can borrow my blanket if you want." Ickis offered.

"Icky, that's very generous of you." Oblina thanked him.

"We can huddle together for warmth!" he suggested brightly. Oblina pushed him aside.

"Go to sleep, Ickis. It's a long way back to New York, and I'm NOT transferring to London until I see you safely bound on a plane for New Orleans." she promised.

"N'Awlins." Ickis corrected her. "Otherwise you sound like a tourist."

Oblina scowled. "You see what I have to deal with, Krumm? Krumm?" Oblina turned towards him, only to find that her smelly roommate was already snoozing.

Oblina had mixed feelings regarding their final farewell. Krumm thanked them both, and wished them the best of luck, until the school year started up again. Then he headed for the airport bathroom, and flushed his way back to the mold farm. Ickis paced around in circles, wringing his paws, and fretting that his father would be angry at the delay.

"What if he's mad at me for being late, Dad knows I'm always late, but what if he's really upset about it this time? I promised I'd be there for vacation, and technically it's still vacation, so I haven't broken my word, but maybe Dad's more concerned with the spirit of the vow, and not the letter? I didn't do it deliberately, do y'think he'd take that into account? Dad's really forgiving, but even -he's- gotta have limits, what if I pushed past them, how would I know I was doing that? Do y'think I would recognize it if I pushed a monster's patience to the breaking point?" Ickis wondered.

"NO!" Oblina hollered. "Be quiet, Ickis. Your plane will be here any minute, and then you can pester the passengers to your heart's content, as you head off to bother your father."

Ickis' lip quivered. "Dad thinks I'm a bother?" he whispered.

Oblina sighed. "No, he thinks you're his son, right or wrong, and he wouldn't hesitate to forgive you for such a minor mishap, alright? So relax and have a good time. There's the plane now Icky, toodle-oo!" she gave Ickis a little shove in the right direction.

"Au revoir! Je t'aime beaucoup!" he called out.

Oblina scowled. "You didn't ask if -I- forgave you for this incident." she pointed out.

Ickis whirled around and looked at her sadly. "I'm sorry Oblina. Wouldja please forgive me?" he asked.

"I might as well, I'm stuck with you for another 39 years." Oblina relented.

"It'll be longer if I have anything to say about it!" Ickis vowed quietly.

"Don't make me hope for laryngitis." Oblina warned him.

"I should learn sign language next. Dad's proficient at it." Ickis noted. "Bon voyage, ma chère amie!"

"No means no!" Oblina called after him.

Of course Oblina had loved England. "The humans there were so intriguing. They drive on the opposite side of the road so you have to be careful crossing the streets. But they have outdoor cricket matches, and I was able to give the beater quite a fright. Of course that doesn't compare to the palace guard I terrified, they are TRAINED not to show emotion so it was even -more- of a triumph. I'll be showing that scare to the Gromble first thing tomorrow, he'll be so pleased!" Oblina predicted.

"We had crickets too, except they were Cajun-style so we ate them. I got almost 1/4 of a bowl of gumbo swallowed before Dad finished up my dinner, again. An' there was a fishing derby, so Dad won that, again. An' he took me to different cities, showing -all- his old scaring spots along the bayou. Didja know the humans call loomers the loup-garou, cause we been spooking 'em so long we're legendary! Dad wasn't even mad AT ALL, he scared 241 people while we were down there, an' that's not counting whoever he scared the first day, since he doesn't keep track when it's not an official competition, but I betcha it was alot! An' I loomed for him, a really good loom, enough to make 2 people scream, that's 2 more'n I've EVER got at once while I was with Dad, isn't that awesome?" chattered Ickis.

"I pulled flowers out of the ground so the mold would grow better. And Mom came by for a couple hours, told me I was a good hard worker so I must take after her side of the family. It was nice, just like Egypt, except there wasn't any camel and I didn't have you guys around." detailed Krumm.

"That reminds me! I drew this to explain to Dad what we did over there that kept me away! Look, there's you Krumm, and you Oblina, and me riding Spitty all across the desert!" Ickis declared as he unrolled the poster.

Oblina looked at the caption. "Egypt, 1927?" she commented.

"That's when we got to the airport, remember?" Ickis prompted.

"Yup. We were lucky they kept the flight waiting all those hours for us." Krumm acknowledged.

"Krumm, I know what subject WE'RE going over in our first study session." Oblina informed him. "Ickis, you don't have to participate."

"Why would I? I -hate- studying!" Ickis opined.

"But you're always combining like terms, and setting up complex equations, and you just solve every variable, and you really don't think that there's anything to that?!" Oblina marveled.

Ickis shrugged. "I just did what that lunatic asked of me. Except for the whole world domination an' murder spree. That was nuts." Ickis remarked.

"All the best vacations are, I think." Krumm theorized.

"Yeah!" Ickis agreed as he hung the poster on the wall. "We should do it again sometime!"

Oblina's jaw dropped. "Absolutely not." she declared.

Ickis sighed. "We'll always have Alexandria." he insisted firmly.

The End.

Author's Note: I still believe Oblina is the smartest, most well-rounded student at the Academy, but I always felt Ickis had hidden depths of knowledge. Everytime he sets up one of those Indy ploys (whether the target is a Monster Hunter, or Zimbo at his most obnoxious) Ickis always seems to plan for every trajectory and time each move perfectly. The French he picked up from his Dad, since Slickis was said to be multilingual. It hasn't had the success rate he was hoping for, though. And Krumm is also a fairly savvy guy in his own way, he certainly attains a fair degree of street-smarts to compliment his joie de vivre. Reviews are encouraged.


End file.
